I'm 24 years old. I don't have a lot of experience with death.
Well, I didn't. I still don't. I guess I have some now, barely. I've been working on the wards for 7 weeks now. The other night was my first night of call. Within 30 minutes a patient coded and ultimately passed away.
I'd never been in the room when someone went from alive to dead. I'd never talked to a person in the morning and come back to find them gone. I'd never even see CPR used before.
I've never had to see a family get 'the news.' I've never had to even think about telling a family 'the news.' I'd never seen the faces of the newly widowed, the child without a mother, or even worse the mother who no longer has a child.
It's not something I'm good at. I've shed more tears these past few weeks over the lives of strangers than I've ever shed over those I've actually known. It's devastating.
I don't know how physicians make these life and death decisions. I don't know how they've become numb to death. I don't know if I'll ever get there.
I hope I don't. I'd rather be delusional with grief because the pain of death still affects me then so far gone that I'm numb to raw human emotion.
I don't know how to look a person in the eye and say that there's nothing more we can do for their loved one. I don't know how to answer their questions. I don't know how to console them. I don't even know where to begin.
It's hard, very hard.
I'll start with loving them and hope the rest comes with it.