Monday, June 25, 2012

But I Really Like Cheeseburgers

I have been craving cheeseburgers for a while. I can't really help it ya know? My body needs food to survive. It's a natural instinct. I can't resist the urge to eat one when a super juicy, extra cheesy, Angus beef cheeseburger finds itself in my neck of the woods. What kind of person would I be to suppress my natural God-given instincts of hunger and deny myself the pleasure that comes with eating this wonderful, wonderful concoction?

There's only one problem though. My ass is getting HUGE. This is really bothersome for me. It affects my health, my relationship, and my self esteem. What makes it even worse is Steven can eat all the cheeseburgers he wants and never put on a pound. Why should he be allowed to enjoy this wonderful creation and not have to deal with the aftermath? Yet because of biology I'm stuck with all this extra weight. 

I wish there was a way to not get any of the bad side effects of overeating. If there was like a pill I could take every day and it would just make my body inhospitable to calories. Wouldn't that be the best invention ever? No regard for quality or content of the food I'm consuming anymore because it doesn't matter. When it doesn't come with any calories, who cares what the food is like? It's just for fun. I would never have to turn down an apple pie, a bowl of spaghetti, or my beloved cheeseburger ever again. I wouldn't even care if this pill caused cancer, blood clots, or made my migraines worse; it's better than the alternative, right?

I bet this pill would be pretty expensive though. I mean it would be a gold mine! Big pharma would push this on every woman, telling her it'd make all of her wildest dreams come true. She'd be skinny, she could land the guy of her dreams, and when they got married he would surely never cheat on her fine ass. Yeah it would definitely be expensive, probably like $10 a month.

How would poor college students like me ever afford that? I mean am I supposed to cut back from my weekly 30 pack, or even worse get a smaller texting plan? Not happening. Maybe the government would just make everyone cover this pill because of how vital it is to society? Yeah, that'd be perfect.

I mean that'd all be perfect as long as there wasn't some totally natural way of avoiding calories but even if there was, it probably wouldn't be reliable. 


  1. Love this post! :-) Also, I love NFP!!!

  2. Hahaha... Love it. (I dunno though- I do love myself an awesome cheeseburger ;))

  3. I say eat them burgers and then go to zumba classes at least 3 times a week. It's fun, and it really really slims a person down. I wasn't even "fat" when I started going, but I still managed to slim down and had to buy smaller jeans! :)

  4. Very clever. Nothing like some good satire to make this gal smile :)


  5. almost spit on my screen... hilarious and right on!

  6. p.s. and heaven forbid you take responsibility for the consequences of so many "cheeseburgers" like diet, exercise and HEAVEN FORBID ... self-control! ;)

  7. I have been thinking A LOT about this comparison. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I come to believe that contraception is to pregnancy what "binging and purging" is to obesity.

    I realize that bulimia is horrible eating-disorder and I don't ever want to minimize the terrorizing effects of such a disorder on many people.

    However, I keep coming to the question of - If Mrs. Obama (et. al.) can acknowledge the need for self-control, self-restraint, and self-discipline when it comes to eating (necessary for individual survival) then why can they NOT acknowledge the need for self-control, self-restraint, and self-discipline when it comes to sexual activity (not necessary for individual survival).

  8. actually, it's like $50/month for some iterations of the Pill.

    but anyway...

    (and yes, good comparison!)

  9. I LOVE it!

    And amen to Bethany's comment!

  10. I love this analogy, but I have to admit that I clicked on the link to read this because I saw you were talking about cheeseburgers. Cheeseburgers are my favorite food of all time :-)

  11. Sigh, I know that this is satire . . . but I really DO like Cheeseburgers, and I really AM getting fat-assed, and I really WOULD like a pill that kept me from getting so chunky while still eating all the Five Guys my little cholesterol-clogged heart desires.

    :-( I see what you're doing here, but this just made me want to eat a big juicy burger . . . and go for a run.

  12. LOL! So true!! (also, there is a typo in your Kippley quote.)

  13. SO true! :) But that picture really did make my mouth water, and I'm not even hungry right now!

  14. Amazing! Sharing! Thank you so much for speaking out!

  15. Is it sad that I saw the title of this and started singing Veggie Tales "Cuz you're his cheeseburger, his tasty cheeseburger, he'll wait for yoooou!" and then wanted to go to McDonald's?

    But I do love this analogy... how can we mainstream it?!

  16. Nice, a cheap shot (although perhaps inadvertent) at the obesity problem that is a true detrimental health problem. The benefits of exercise & healthy eating habits are undeniable. But the fact is, some people practice those habits and are still overweight or obese. Some people need medication or other interventions to achieve what they simply may not be able to do naturally. And if they were to use such a medication, they wouldn't necessarily overeat! Because they would know the medication may prevent them from becoming overweight, but it probably wouldn't prevent them from developing other health issues that come from eating unhealthy foods. Most people who choose such medications don't do so for an easy way out (or to pig out)- they do so because they have tried other methods and they need help pharmacologically for their well-being.

    Similarly, many women who are on the birth control pill are not promiscuous or using the pill as an opportunity to have sex as much as possible with as many people as possible. They also realize that they still have to practice safe sex, and that goes for any birth control method, since they all come with their own health risks. And yes, it may be a health risk for a woman to conceive, making NFP risky in its own right.

    Women who use a birth control pill, obesity pill, or any kind of pill, still have to practice self-discipline and mindfulness. They are just choosing a different method due to health or other reasons. Also, oftentimes people who have to take medications are either overproducing or underproducing a NATURAL hormone, enzyme, etc., so for them, the pill is a way to achieve natural balance.

    This is probably the most judgmental, over assuming blog post yet. Rock on!

    1. I hope someone gives you a hug today because it sure sounds like you need one.

  17. @Hope - I'm sorry this wasn't quite apparent. Also, you missed the point.

  18. Great analogy! Uncle Screwtape would be proud! (But now, I could go for an In and Out run.)

  19. Great job on this. I love it! I have had a similar thought in fact regarding this analogy.

    I keep struggling, though, with the only difference, which of course is this: obesity is a negative across the board. Nobody wants it. Nobody benefits from it.
    But with pregnancy and new life, this is something altogether different. It's in many ways a great reward, not just to the mother (yes, Hope, I'm well aware of health risks of pregnancy and potential risks of childbirth -- not the issue here) but to the universe, and it's a direct result of the Creator of the universe literally breathing existence into the union of a man and woman. It's entirely his design that the "consequence" of the action, in this case, the sexual union, should result in new life and pregnancy.

    Obesity is a negative natural outcome of a fallen world where processed food and overeating are common, whereas pregnancy and new life are intended positive outcomes that are part of God's greater plan for the universe.

    So all that to say, I've wrestled with trying to find an analogy that can speak to this crazy culture that doesn't seem to understand that pregnancy isn't a disease to be avoided at all costs. I have tried to use the eating analogy before like this, which I think is great because it does helps us grasp the insanity that comes from assuming sex is a need that can't be controlled.

    But again, how do we address the important caveat that exists in the analogy that self-control and self-discipline in regard to actions that result in negative outcomes are necessary for "prevention" of those bad things, but self-control and self-discipline in regard to actions that inherently result in an intended outcome are necessary for "respect" and appreciation of those good things.


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